


Hanahaki is really inconvenient

by maddylime



Category: New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Cuddling & Snuggling, Denial of Feelings, Feelings Realization, Fluff and Angst, Hanahaki Disease, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, OR IS IT??, Oma Kokichi Needs a Hug, Overthinking, Self-Hatred, Sick Character, Trust Issues, Unrequited Love, takes place in the killing game
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-26
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-15 23:21:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28946589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maddylime/pseuds/maddylime
Summary: Stupidly, Kokichi has acquired Hanahaki disease. In a killing game.How bad could this get?!
Relationships: Oma Kokichi/Saihara Shuichi
Comments: 18
Kudos: 101





	1. Kokichi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok hi welcome to my hanahaki fanfiction!! i hope you like it :)
> 
> warning for self hatred and stuff

Kokichi looked down at the blue petals that had forced themselves out. 

It was bad enough being in a killing game. Now he had to deal with these flowers in his lungs?? 

As much as he didn’t want to admit it, he knew why they were there. 

Unrequited love. That Hanahaki disease thing. 

_That’s_ why he was in pain. Because he stupidly fell in love with someone in one of the worst possible situations! 

Well, ok, it’s not like he _meant_ to. He didn’t even realize it before he coughed up the first petal. Falling in love with someone would be a really bad choice, there's no way _anyone_ would willingly do that. 

But he couldn't deny it like he wanted to. Not when there was a constant reminder. 

He was... in love with someone. And the “someone” he’s in love with was Shuichi. He could tell by the way his coughing acted up when he was around him. Of _course_ the dumb love disease did that. 

And it only made sense for it to be Shuichi. He’s the only one that at least _tries_ to tolerate Kokichi. 

As for exactly why he liked him, it was hard to explain. Shuichi was just so...Shuichi. It’s always hard to explain why you like someone, _especially_ for Kokichi. Emotions are a weird thing that he’s usually too..."scared" to think about. 

And it was an unusual situation. He couldn't admit this to himself and then be _happy_ about it, he wasn’t in the position to. 

Hanahaki disease doesn't just go away, but maybe, just maybe... if he pushed Shuichi out of his mind enough or convinced himself Shuichi wasn’t as good as he was, it would stop…? 

It was _very_ wishful thinking but what else could he do? Confess? He’d just get rejected and the flowers would grow worse. There was no way that Shuichi would ever like him back, he didn’t show any signs that he did. If anything, he showed the opposite. The only other way out would be to get the surgery but he couldn’t do that, he was in a killing game. 

So really,the only option was to suffer. It seemed to fit him. 

At least it wasn’t that bad. He hadn't started coughing up full flowers yet, only petals. And he didn't cough _that_ much, unless he was around Shuichi. It hurt, sure. And he always felt sick. But he just had to deal with it. 

*knock knock* 

It was Shuichi, wasn’t it? 

He was the only one who ever came by Kokichi’s room. Sure, there was a chance it was someone else. But that was a low chance. 

Kokichi threw away the petals in the trash. He didn’t want to look at them anymore. Since Shuichi was here, he’d probably cough up more anyways! 

He already felt himself getting sicker as he walked to the door. 

Yes, he doesn’t _have_ to open it. But he will, _only_ to completely annoy Shuichi and drive him away. That way, maybe the stupid feelings will go away too. 

And plus, not opening the door would probably just make Shuichi worried, which was _not_ what Kokichi wanted. 

So he opened the door. 

There Shuichi was, smiling a little nervously,“Hey, Kokichi. Do you,uh, want to hang out with me, maybe?” 

He had no idea why Shuichi kept wanting to hang around with him. All he did was make him confused, so what was the point? 

“Hmmmmm, no” Kokichi decided. He wasn’t sure if that was his actual answer or not. It probably should be. Oh well, like most things, he’d find out as he went along. 

“Wh-why not?” Shuichi reacted, seeming a little shocked. How was he still shocked at the stuff Kokichi said? Not that that wasn’t a good thing, it certainly made him not boring. 

Wait, shit. No, he can’t keep complimenting him like that. He _was_ boring. Totally boring. Dull, dull, dull. 

“Cuzzzzz! Why would I wanna hang out with you?” Kokichi questioned, trying to ignore the feeling in his chest that answered his question. 

“Uh, I don’t know? Why _do_ you hang out with me?” Shuichi puzzled, clearly trying to figure out where Kokichi was going with this. Gosh, Shuichi looked so unattractive when he was thinking. It was just so ugly that you could clearly see all of the wheels turning in his head just by looking into his eyes! 

In other news, Kokichi was starting to hurt more again. Just like he expected. 

“Eh, I don’t know either!” Kokichi lied. He coughed slightly, trying to alleviate the sudden annoyance in his lungs. 

“So, you’re _not_ hanging out with me?” Shuichi tried to clarify. 

“Nope! Unless you have something to offer me” Kokichi teased. 

“I do, actually” Shuichi revealed, sheepishly. 

Oh god, he _does?_ Seriously? 

“Ooh, what is it?” Kokichi wondered. He pushed away every thought about how Shuichi is _giving him a gift_ and how undoubtedly _nice_ that was. No, it was actually quite _mean_ that he was pushing a gift on him!! 

Now, the coughs would get even worse!! 

“Uh, here” Shuichi reached into his pocket and pulled out his gift. Kokichi already knew what it was. It was that one key you can get from the casino. The love key or whatever. 

Kokichi thought it was intriguing when he saw it and he would’ve bought it himself but...didn't it cost like 10,000 coins?? Why was Shuichi giving him something so expensive?! 

Was he _trying_ to make him cough up petals? Such a gesture would _definitely_ cause that. 

“Shuichiiiiii! You can’t just give me that” Kokichi rejected his gift, pushing away the hand that offers it to him. The hand that he didn’t at all want to hold, by the way. 

“Why?” Shuichi inquired. 

“It’s too expensive! I like cheaper things” Kokichi explained, only lying a little bit. It was too expensive. But he didn’t reject it because he liked cheaper things, he rejected it because he couldn’t accept a gift like this from Shuichi without harsh consequences. And it's not like he deserved it anyway. 

“Ah, but I don’t need it” Shuichi insisted. 

Kokichi tilted his head in confusion,“Why not?” It most likely opened that love hotel place. It made sense to take advantage of that opportunity, mostly because it was just a way to escape the killing game for a while. On the other hand, Shuichi didn't seem like he would that into any hardcore love action right now. Or probably ever, he most likely would be too nervous for that sort of thing. 

“Well it makes me kinda uncomfortable” Shuichi admitted. Kokichi hated that he was able to predict that so well. 

“So you used it huh?” Kokichi guessed. 

“N-no, I just found out what it was for. I don’t really want to, go there with anyone” Shuichi explained. 

Not with anyone? No one at all? 

It very much implied that he didn’t romantically like anyone here. And of course, that applies to Kokichi too. It wasn’t a surprise, not at all, Kokichi already predicted that. But something about the wording made it hurt more. Especially in his lungs. Hanahaki was an unrequited love disease, so it made sense that it hit even harder when anything confirming it was unrequited came up. 

Kokichi coughed, trying to make it go as unnoticed as possible. 

Stupid. Stupid love disease. 

“No one?” Kokichi inquired, knowing he probably shouldn’t keep adding on to this conversation. But he couldn’t help it, his curiosity got the better of him. 

“No one” Shuichi restated, without a trace of a lie in his words. And Kokichi knew that. Spotting other people’s lies was a talent of his after all. 

Kokichi coughed again, his thoughts getting to him. Sometimes, he wishes his mind could just shut up. 

“Oh come on! You're not even a tiny bit in love with anyone here?” Kokichi pressed, again, knowing he shouldn’t. The petals are irritating him enough that he knew he’d probably cough more up soon. And further confirming that Shuichi really didn’t feel the same would very much make it worse. 

But he has the opportunity to ask, so he will. He just wanted to know! He knew it was hopeless that Shuichi would feel the same, but he never really actually got it confirmed... 

Shuichi shook his head, “No, I’m more worried about...other things." 

“You mean like, murder?” Kokichi guessed. 

“Well, yeah” Shuichi agreed. Kokichi should be worried about that too. It was so stupid to be sick like this when there were clearly other priorities. 

He just wanted this to be over. 

He should just stop thinking about it. Stop this conversation and leave. 

But curiosity aside, there _could_ still be a better reason to do this. Maybe if he knew for sure Shuichi didn’t feel the same, maybe he could force it away easier! Or maybe he’d, uh, die. That was a very likely option. And that wouldn’t be so bad, except he has that whole plan he has to carry out, so it would be unfortunate. 

“So _no one_ here catches your eye?” Kokichi urged. He still hadn’t gotten an actual answer and it’s not like his mind would rest unless he did. Of course, his mind never usually rested anyway. 

“No, not at all! Why are you asking me this?” Shuichi deflected. 

It was as much of a direct answer that Kokichi would probably get. 

He coughed before he could stop it, feeling flowers rise up in his throat, but forcing them down. Shuichi seemed a little confused but he couldn’t be that worried. Why would he ever worry about him? 

“Just making sure I can take that key of yours without feeling bad!” Kokichi lied. Clearly, all Shuichi was going to say was different variations of no. Kokichi just needed to accept that and stop being so curious before he threw up petals in front of him. 

“I thought you didn’t want it..” Shuichi puzzled. 

“That was a lie! Of course I want it!” Kokichi exclaimed, though his voice was rough. 

Maybe the love hotel would be fun. Maybe. Why not? 

It wouldn’t be fun unless he’s with Shuichi, that’s why not! 

He coughed again, it was getting worse. He couldn’t just throw away all of his thoughts about Shuichi when Shuichi was here. It was like his brain was all cloudy and fuzzy when he was around. 

Yeah, it was probably a good idea to leave as soon as possible. 

“Kokichi, are you okay?” Shuichi started to worry, noticing the abundance of coughs. 

“Yeah, duh! These coughs are just to make you feel sympathy towards me!” Kokichi lied. 

“Are you sure?” Shuichi said 

“Yes, duh” Kokichi coughed through his statement. 

“If you’re not feeling okay, I can help you” Shuichi offered. It was a really tempting offer, but one that Kokichi shouldn’t even consider. His feelings were unrequited, so there was no point in staying around. It would only make him feel worse. Besides, the last thing Kokichi wanted to admit was that he had…. _feelings_ for someone. Jeez, that would be disastrous. And seeing these petals being coughed up would definitely alert Shuichi of that. 

“Anyway! Are you gonna give me that love key or not?” Kokichi changed the subject immediately, not wanting to dwell any further on it. 

“Oh, uh, yeah! It’s your present after all” Shuichi handed over the key, which Kokichi took, careful not to touch his hand. 

The love key. Interesting… Well, at least it looked pretty! 

“Ok, well bye Shuichi!!” Kokichi waved. 

“Oh, uh” Shuichi tried to respond, but Kokichi went back inside and shut the door on him. He was probably just saying bye anyway, right? It was fine. 

Kokichi, however, was _not_ fine. The coughs were getting worse. He was either going to throw up petals or just cough them out. Neither option was what he wanted, but he didn't have a choice. 

This was _so_ inconvenient. 

He walked his way to the bathroom, coughing the whole time. 

_So_ inconvenient. 

He sat on the floor, waiting for when he knew the coughing would get even worse. 

Seriously, why did he have to be cursed with this stupid flower disease anyway? In a _killing game?_

His stupid, dumb, feelings were obviously unrequited. And they always would be! Especially in this situation. Or in any other situation. 

Shuichi, himself, even confirmed it! Multiple times. Sure, it wasn’t an _actual_ rejection, but he _did_ say he didn’t like anyone here. And since Kokichi will never actually reveal his feelings, that's the greatest rejection he’s going to get. 

He wasn't going to waste his time pining over someone who single-handedly has the power to make him weak. No matter how cute or smart or desirable they were. 

Ugh, he shouldn't be thinking like that! 

Shuichi wasn’t cute or smart or desirable, he was...he was...uh.. 

He just wasn’t, okay?! 

Kokichi coughed, harshly. He could feel the flowers in his chest. God, everything just _hurt._ He hated this. But nonetheless, he grabbed the trash can that he had already coughed up in before. 

Within seconds, he started coughing up the petals. The petals that matched Shuichi’s hair almost perfectly. 

Forgive Kokichi for complimenting him again, but the color looked way better on Shuichi. 

He stopped coughing after a few minutes. But those few minutes were horrible. They always were. The combination of physical and emotional pain was just terrible. He kept thinking and he couldn’t stop and he kept coughing and he couldn’t stop that either. 

However, it was the only time he allowed himself to cry. So that’s got to count for something. 

Now that he stopped coughing though, he had to wipe his tears and move on. 

There was no time to dwell on this. He had to try his best to ignore it. And from this day forward, he _would._ No more unnecessarily talking to Shuichi or thinking about him or wondering if maybe he does feel the same because clearly, he doesn’t. 

Kokichi can't let this Hanahaki take control of him. Or make him weak. He has that whole plan he has to carry out anyway, that's what he should be focusing on. And he knew how to lie, no one would suspect anything! All he had to do was pretend he was fine, go along with the plan, and avoid Shuichi, and everything should work out...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading!!! i’ll post the next chapter tommorow :)


	2. shuichi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a lil bit of time skip and takes place around beginning of chapter 4 in the game :o the first one took place around chapter 2 in the game :)
> 
> also. i forgot you can’t go into the dining place at night time. so uh. haha. i don’t feel like rewriting it so just imagine that it’s almost night time like everyone’s probably in their rooms but its not actually night time yet  
> haha. that’s. embarrassing

Something was off about Kokichi. He had been ignoring Shuichi for a while now, despite how interested he seemed in him at the beginning. Shuichi thought he would eventually come back to hang out but he never did. If anything, it seemed like he was only pushing himself farther away. 

It was weird to admit, but Shuichi missed him. Sure, Kokichi was annoying. But he was never boring. Hanging out with him was sort of fun, even though it was confusing. Shuichi found himself wanting to know more about him, and to learn to see through his lies. 

But Shuichi had no idea _how_ intrigued he was by him. Not until he went away. 

His absence only made Shuichi want to chase after him more. 

He kept thinking about him, more so than usual. He’d wonder where he was, what he was doing, what he _really_ means when he says things. These were thoughts he already had, but now were noticeably more plentiful. And he investigated these ideas more and more, trying to solve a mystery that still refused to appear in front of him. 

But then there were also some...other thoughts. More... _personal_ thoughts. 

Suddenly, he was thinking about Kokichi’s smile and would have to force back a smile himself. He would think about Kokichi’s games and how he used to think they were annoying, but now they just seemed like something he really wishes he was a part of again. He’d think of how smart he was and how much he appreciated him for that... 

Sometimes he’d think about what it would be like to be... close to him. To...hold him. Or something. 

He’d even gone so far and had a dream about him once. It was embarrassing. But he couldn’t say it wasn’t nice. 

He was so scared this was some sort of crush. He didn’t want to feel like that. Not in a killing game, it would be too much pain for him to endure. 

What if Kokichi dies? What if he kills someone? What if he’s the mastermind? 

Kokichi wouldn’t like him back anyway. 

Shuichi couldn’t risk it, so he pushed all the thoughts from his head. 

He just wanted to know why he was being ignored, that’s _all_ and nothing else. 

He didn’t really have any leads. All he could deduce was from the last time he really talked to Kokichi. That was when he gave him that love key. 

Shuichi knew what the love key did, that’s why he chose not to use it and to give it away. He wasn’t really ready to be that intimate, killing game or not. 

Maybe the love key made Kokichi uneasy too. Maybe he unlocked the love hotel and something strange happened. 

...Maybe Shuichi was there. That would explain why Kokichi was ignoring him, right? 

No, it wasn’t possible. Shuichi didn’t remember anything from that sort of setting. Though, he wasn’t supposed to. And maybe the setting changes while you’re there? 

... 

No, that wasn’t possible! 

If it wasn’t the love hotel, what was it? What else could have pushed Kokichi so far away? What other evidence from that last meeting they had was there? 

Well, he _had_ been acting a little sick. That couldn’t have meant anything, could it? He was just coughing a lot, it was probably nothing. 

Maybe he was avoiding him because he was sick? 

Or maybe the coughs were a lie. 

No, that wasn’t possible. He was clearly trying to hide them. 

Why would he be hiding that he was sick? Did he not want to be seen as weak? Did he not want to worry anyone? 

Was he even sick? 

Shuichi needed to see him again. to try to find some answers to his questions. But he was really good at hiding, how could Shuichi even find him? 

He had tried during the day, but he was nowhere to be found. But it was night time right now, maybe it would be easier to find him then? He seemed like the type to stay out of his room during night time. 

And it would be easier to find him if he was. There would be no other people around, hopefully. It was a wild guess but it was something. Shuichi could just go outside and check. If he’s not there he’d have to think of something else. 

Shuichi left his room, making sure there was no one there to see him. He didn’t know what his excuse would be if anyone was there. 

He made his way outside, looking around to see any sign of Kokichi. 

Surprisingly, he wasn’t hard to find. 

But the sight wasn’t very pleasant. 

It looked like he had passed out in front of the school. At first glance, it looked as if he might be... _dead._ He wasn’t moving, and in this killing game, it was likely. 

But once Shuichi calmed down from the initial shock, he noticed there weren't any noticeable traces of blood around. If he had been killed so suddenly like that, wouldn’t there be blood?... 

Shuichi ran up to him, hoping to confirm that he was alive. And when he looked closer, there _was_ blood. On his mouth and the sleeves of his shirt. 

Shuichi paused, shocked. Was he dead? He couldn’t be dead! Shuichi didn’t _want_ him to be dead. 

He leaned in, hoping to find some sort of sign he was still alive. He noticed his chest moving up and down, signifying that he was breathing. Shuichi sighed in relief, he wasn’t ready to let go of Kokichi yet. Or _ever._

Upon further inspection, it seemed as if the breaths were shallow. Like he was struggling. 

There was a chance he could have been poisoned but… 

Shuichi noticed that he was holding something in his hands. Like he was trying to hide it. 

Desperate for an answer, Shuichi took his hands, trying to see what he could be hiding. 

But this answer shocked him more than anything else. 

Flowers. Blue ones that were splattered with blood. They weren’t pretty, they weren’t even whole flowers. Some looked like they were ripped in half, some were just petals. 

It all hit him at once. 

Kokichi had Hanahaki disease! _That’s_ why he was acting so strange. 

He wasn’t dead, but he _was_ dying. It wasn’t possible to get the surgery in this situation so there wasn’t even any way to save him. 

Unless the person that caused this were to reciprocate his feelings. But as much as Shuichi didn’t like to admit it, no one really liked him here. There wasn’t a good chance that his feelings were reciprocated. 

That meant he would… 

Shuichi didn’t want to think about it. 

How did it get this bad? If it started once he entered the killing game, it wouldn’t make sense that it escalated this quickly. Yes, they had spent some time in here, but it wasn’t _nearly_ enough to hurt him this much. 

Was it? 

Shuichi _had_ looked into Hanahaki disease at some point. He thought it was an interesting concept. 

Of course, it wasn’t interesting when the victim was laying passed out in front of you. It was terrifying. 

But he researched it a while ago, the details were still fuzzy… 

Kokichi’s disease shouldn’t have been able to affect him so much in such little time. It didn’t make sense. 

Unless there was some sort of factor that could speed it up. 

Ah, yes! 

Hanahaki _could_ be sped up if there was some sort of major stress involved. It had to be consistent with the disease’s purpose, so exterior conflicts wouldn’t count. The killing game itself wouldn’t speed it up, but the situation he was in regarding Hanahaki seemed almost hopeless. There wasn’t a clear way out from it or any sort of instant relief. And though the killing game wouldn’t really count, if it affected the object of affection it would. Knowing that they could be killed or become a murderer at any time must not have been good for Kokichi either. 

Additionally, staying close to your object of affection would trigger it, right? You would start coughing more often near them, and it would get worse the more you spent time with them. Kind of odd for a disease that requires the person to love you back. But anyway, unlike the outside world, it wouldn’t be that easy to completely distance yourself from someone. It’s not like you can really ignore everyone in this school, due to the situation you’d always be connected to them somehow… 

Wait. 

_WAIT._

That’s why Shuichi was out here, right? To try to find Kokichi after days of being ignored? 

….Was Kokichi ignoring him for that reason? 

He was coughing a lot the last time they spoke. Was Shuichi triggering that? 

No. That can’t be true, why would Kokichi like _him?_ It didn’t make sense, did it? 

It was making an alarming amount of sense. 

Shuichi was one of the only people Kokichi was somewhat nice to. Well, he wasn't mean, at least. And before he started ignoring him, he did the opposite and hung around all the time. He didn't do that with anyone else. Well, not to Shuichi's knowledge. 

This realization was shocking, but he couldn't do anything unless he knew for sure. He could be reading all of this wrong, and Hanahaki was deadly. If he messed up, it could... 

Anyway, he recalled from his past research that the color of the flowers should give away something about the person they were pining over. In most cases, it was their hair color. 

Shuichi reached out to take one of the petals from Kokichi’s hand. The blood on it was unnerving but nonetheless, he compared it to a strand of his own hair. 

It matched. 

It _matched._

Almost perfectly and there wasn't anyone here that had the same hair color, right? 

A whole sea of emotion crashed down on him. 

Kokichi liked him?! He _liked_ him?! 

He _actually_ liked him!! 

The odd happiness he felt at knowing he liked him couldn’t be ignored. All of those thoughts he had...Kokichi was thinking the same. 

But his happiness was quickly torn away by another realization. 

Kokichi was _dying_ because of him?! 

Shuichi had put him through _so much_ without even _knowing!_ He didn’t even realize it until _now!_

Kokichi must have been suffering for a while, mentally and physically. And he would’ve been _completely alone_ in this. It was terrible to imagine. 

But still...Shuichi felt a slight hope in his heart at finding out he was the one Kokichi...liked. He kept trying to push away all of these thoughts he had that pointed to liking him, but it turns out that wasn't necessary. 

Shuichi had to help Kokichi with this. It was his fault, and he was potentially the only one who could save him. 

But Shuichi had no idea how to wake someone up when they pass out. No clue at all. He was kind of hoping that Kokichi would wake up while he was thinking things over, but he didn’t. 

Maybe he could just...shake him? Or was that dangerous? 

Well, it was the only choice Shuichi could think of. 

“Kokichi?” Shuichi shook him lightly. 

No response. 

“Kokichi?” Shuichi shook him a little more forcefully. 

His eyes started to flutter open. He looked weak, it was almost heartbreaking. Shuichi had never seen him like this before. 

“...How are you feeling?” Shuichi asked, quietly, trying not to disturb him too much. 

Kokichi stared at him. He didn’t answer or move. 

“...You passed out, I was looking for you and, uh, I found you here” Shuichi explained, hoping that would clarify things for Kokichi a little more. He must have been a little confused as to why he woke up with Shuichi looking over him. 

But he still didn’t say anything. He just stared. 

“...Can you sit up?” Shuichi suggested. That seemed like the right course of action, though he didn’t know for sure. He knew enough about Hanahaki disease, but definitely not enough about medical things. 

Kokichi stared at him for a few more moments. He pulled himself up to a sitting position, still holding on to the flowers in his hand. He must have noticed by now that Shuichi had taken one. Unless he was really out of it. 

He still wasn’t talking. This was the quietest Shuichi had ever seen him. It was worrying. 

“Can you say something?” Shuichi asked. 

Kokichi didn’t say anything for a few seconds, but Shuichi was willing to wait. He just wanted to see him be okay again. 

“Hi” Kokichi spoke, his voice hoarse. 

“Hi” Shuichi nervously smiled. 

Now that he was sitting up and talking. Shuichi should probably move forward with taking care of him. 

First, there was blood on him. That couldn't have been comfortable. He needed to wash it off of his face and at least try to get it out of his clothes. 

Secondly, Kokichi needed to drink water. His voice was weak and water usually made people feel better. It would wake him up more too. 

So what should he do? He needed to bring Kokichi somewhere. Maybe the kitchen? There was water for him to drink there, plus he could use the sink to wash him up. 

But how does Shuichi bring him there?? If he had trouble sitting up, it didn't look like he would be able to walk very well. 

“I think we should go get you some water” Shuichi offered. 

“What, are you gonna carry me?” Kokichi tried to joke but his weak voice hindered the humor. 

“Well, maybe” Shuichi hesitated. He wasn't that strong, but it could be a good idea... 

Kokichi just stared at him again. 

“...I’ll help you up” Shuichi decided. He stood up and offered his hand. Kokichi stared at him, not moving for a few moments. Then, he shifted the flowers into one hand and used to other to take Shuichi’s hand. 

It was kind of weird that he kept the flowers, but he probably didn’t want anyone to know. If he left them there, someone will find them. 

Shuichi noticed that he seemed very weak when he stood up, confirming his suspicions about him not being able to work properly. 

So Shuichi helped him walk to the kitchen, holding his hand and keeping close the whole time. He’s never really held hands with anyone before, it felt...nice. Kokichi didn’t make an effort to let go, either because he liked it too or he really needed the support right now. 

There was silence between them, definitely unusual. But in this situation, and especially with how Kokichi was acting, it was to be expected. 

Once they got to the kitchen, Shuichi let go of Kokichi’s hand and immediately started getting him some water. He needed to drink something if he was this weak. 

First, Shuichi should probably try to wipe the blood off of his mouth, though. 

He took a few paper towels, wet them and walked over to where Kokichi was. 

“I’m going to uh, clean you” Shuichi explained. 

Kokichi didn’t speak. 

Shuichi moved closer and began to clean the blood off of his mouth. He couldn’t help noticing how close they were, but now wasn’t the time to lean in any closer. Maybe later. 

The whole time, Kokichi just stared at him intently. 

There was blood on his sleeve too, but that didn't look like it would come out easily. Still, Shuichi tried to clean it, only lessening the stain. 

Kokichi still didn't say anything. It made Shuichi worried. He tried to study his facial expression but it was blank. 

Maybe if Kokichi drank some water, he would start talking more...? 

Quickly, Shuichi finished cleaning his sleeve. Hopefully that was good enough. 

Then, he grabbed the glass of water, offering it to him, “You should drink this” 

Kokichi smirked, "Why? Is it poisoned?” 

Shuichi's first reaction was to be happy that he was talking, even if it _was_ some sly comment. 

“No! It’s water. You’re weak, you need this” Shuichi insisted. 

Kokichi just stared at him, "I’m _weak_?” 

“You passed out!” Shuichi reminded him. 

“ _And?_ ” Kokichi challenged. He was stubborn, even when he was like this. But Shuichi couldn't find it in himself to be mad at him, or even annoyed. There was no doubt he was in pain, this was probably just an act. 

Shuichi sighed, “Just drink it." 

Kokichi took a moment before he reached for the glass of water and slowly started to drink it. 

As he was drinking, Shuichi turned to his own thoughts. He knew that he had to bring up Hanahaki somehow. The flowers were still there and they won’t be going away. They couldn’t just ignore this, it was important. 

But he didn’t know if he should bring up that he knew he was Kokichi’s….crush. It still felt so weird to think. 

He didn’t want Kokichi to be scared away. Or for him to be sent into a coughing fit when he was already not doing well. 

And Shuichi didn’t want to reject him! Not at all. Though he still wasn’t exactly sure of his feelings, he had a good idea. 

But he had always pushed these romantic thoughts away, what if he doesn’t like him enough? What if he confessed and the Hanahaki disease didn’t even register that? He couldn’t admit his feelings and then have it not work, Kokichi would never trust him again. 

Not that it seemed like Kokichi trusted him now. 

He seemed wary of his presence. He kept staring at him. He barely spoke. 

What could Shuichi do? To help him? 

“Are you feeling any better?” Shuichi questioned. 

“...Yeah” Kokichi finally answered, giving the almost empty glass back to Shuichi. There was always the chance he was lying, but Shuichi hoped it was the truth. He _did_ look a little better. Of course, with all of those flowers in his lungs, it was probably an overstatement to say he was okay. 

They stayed in silence, both staring at each other but not maintaining any sort of eye contact. Shuichi was trying to figure out what to say next and he might be wrong, but it seemed like Kokichi was doing the same. 

Finally, after a few moments, Kokichi spoke, “...I know you know. Don’t pretend like you don’t.You’re a detective, you must have figured it out by now." 

Shit. Looks like Shuichi didn’t need to be the one to bring it up after all. Kokichi already put the pieces together. 

“I saw that petal in your hand too. You probably found out who it was for, didn’t you?” Kokichi continued, not looking bothered. But there was no way he didn't care about this when the situation was this heavy. 

Oh. God. His lungs may not be working right but his brain sure was. 

What does Shuichi do now? Lie? Pretend he doesn’t know what he’s talking about? No, Kokichi would see right through that. Then he tells the truth? That he’s unsure of his feelings? That he _might_ like him but he’s too afraid to know for sure? Would Kokichi even _believe_ that? 

“Kokichi, I…” Shuichi started, though he didn’t even know how to finish. 

Kokichi interrupted him anyway, “Don’t worry, I know your answer already.” 

The smile he wore was definitely faked. 

Shuichi wasn’t sure he _did_ know his answer. He most likely thought his feelings were completely unrequited, considering the disease he currently had. But that wasn’t the case. 

“I don’t think you do” Shuichi admitted. 

“Hmm? Then what’s your answer?” Kokichi wondered. 

...What does Shuichi do? It was hard to confess feelings, but even harder to confess that you didn’t understand your feelings. And even harder to confess that to someone with Hanahaki’s disease who was relying on your feelings! 

But the only thing he could do was tell the truth. Lying to a professional liar was pointless. 

“I don’t know” Shuichi confessed. 

“You don’t _know_?” Kokichi puzzled. His face was blank and Shuichi couldn't read it. So instead, he just looked at the ground. 

Then, he took a deep breath and restated his answer,“No, I don’t” 

Kokichi stared at him, again. Like he was trying to read his mind. Or just his facial expression. Slowly, Kokichi walked over to him, moving closer until they were invading his personal space. Shuichi darted his eyes away, feeling himself blush. 

“Do you know _now_?” Kokichi teased, his voice low. 

It was hard to think when they were this close. His brain was definitely thinking typical crush thoughts right now, but it was new that he accepted them. He needed some time to figure out how exactly he felt. It didn’t have to be much, he just needed to think about it a little. What Kokichi deserved was an honest confession anyway. 

And this wasn’t the time to do this. Kokichi was still weak, no matter how much he was trying to fake it. Now that they were this close, Shuichi could see that. Kokichi's eyes looked incredibly tired, he must have not been sleeping often. And with all of the flowers he coughed up, that probably made it worse. 

He needed to rest. They could talk about this later. 

Shuichi moved away from Kokichi's stare, and took his hand, pulling him away, "Come on, you need sleep” 

“Awww, you’re just trying to escape from me” Kokichi pouted. 

“No, I’m staying with you” Shuichi decided. If Kokichi was by himself, chances are that he wouldn’t treat himself correctly. He didn’t seem all too worried about his current state and he was probably even going somewhere when he passed out earlier. Shuichi needed to watch over him, just to make sure he was okay. 

Though, he _was_ scared that staying with him would make the Hanahaki worse. But did he really have a choice? 

“Staying with me, huh?” Kokichi echoed his decision. 

“Yeah..” Shuichi confirmed, suddenly aware that their hands were still connected. And in Kokichi's other hand was the flowers. He needed to dispose of them somehow, but Kokichi obviously didn’t want anyone to know. So they couldn’t be thrown away in here where everyone could see them. 

“What are you going to do with the flowers?” Shuichi asked. 

“Take them to my room, duh” Kokichi answered. Right, that did seem like the only place no one would find them. “ _You_ can’t come in though” he added. 

“Why not?” Shuichi puzzled, beginning to think that he was hiding something in there. Shuichi never saw the inside of his room, Kokichi always called the door quickly when he opened it. 

“Because! It’s _my_ room” Kokichi defended. Whatever he was hiding, he wasn't going to admit to it. 

“Fine, uh, you can sleep in my room though, so I can...watch over you” Shuichi explained. 

Kokichi smirked, “I didn’t know you were a nurse." 

“I’m just worried” Shuichi admitted. This disease was serious, Kokichi could _die._ And even if he didn’t, he was clearly suffering. That wasn't desirable either. 

“Yeah, whatever” Kokichi walked away, bringing Shuichi with him. They walked in silence. 

Shuichi tried to figure things out as they walked. He obviously had some interest in Kokichi, more so than normal. These thoughts he’d been pushing away, he didn’t need to push them away anymore. Not in the current situation they were in. And to be completely honest, all he was thinking right now was how much he wanted to comfort Kokichi. He was helping him, sure. But that’s different. What he really wanted was to hold him close. And that’s not a very platonic thought. 

It did feel weird to start admitting that. But it was true. So maybe he did _really_ like him. 

But...if he did, what happens then? The disease doesn’t immediately go away, right? At least, that's what he remembered. Kokichi would still be struggling, even though he would be significantly better. And then after that, would Kokichi even want to pursue this? Or would he just leave Shuichi alone? And if that happened, Shuichi would have to deal with these feelings he recently accepted all on his own. And he didn’t want to do that. 

And if they _did_ pursue some sort of relationship, it would be difficult. Shuichi's never been in a relationship before, so they would have those struggles to overcome. And Kokichi didn’t seem like he liked opening up to people, so they would have to figure that out too. Shuichi was willing to deal with these problems they’d face, as long as they faced them together. 

But they’re also in a killing game and that poses a whole new set of complications. 

Would Kokichi be okay with that? 

Would _Shuichi_ be okay with that? 

Especially after what happened the last time he got close to someone... 

They’d need to talk about this together. He couldn't figure out everything on his own. But not now, not when Kokichi's like this. Tomorrow, when hopefully he’d feel a little better. 

As of now, they stayed in silence. Kokichi walked to his room and Shuichi trailed behind, still holding onto his hand. Once they reached Kokichi's room, he entered to dispose of the flowers, carefully making sure Shuichi couldn’t see what was inside. 

He was definitely hiding something in there, but that wasn’t the main concern right now. 

There wasn’t anyone around them, they must have all been sleeping. It was pretty late in the night by now. 

Speaking of sleep, Shuichi was supposed to be watching over Kokichi sleeping tonight. Should he just sit next to him? Lay next to him? Hold him? 

His thoughts were interrupted when Kokichi came out of his room. 

“Sooo I’m supposed to sleep with you?” he prompted. 

“In my room, yeah” Shuichi confirmed. 

“And you're not going to let me get out of this?” Kokichi suspected. That was true, there was really nothing Kokichi could do right now that would change Shuichi’s mind. Not when he was this worried about him. But still, it was kind of odd that Kokichi wasn’t really trying to get out of it. Usually, he’d be fake crying or something, but he must be too tired for that. It only made Shuichi more worried. 

“I just want to make sure you’re okay” Shuichi explained. 

“I’m growing flowers in my lungs, Shuichi. Of course I’m not okay” Kokichi snapped. It startled Shuichi a little but it was an understandable reaction. For someone who had been going through so much alone, it was surprising that he wasn’t this hostile earlier. Or around other people. He was a really good liar. 

“I’m, I’m really sorry. I...I want to make it all better but-” Shuichi struggled to explain. 

Kokichi interrupted him, “You don’t have your answer yet?” 

Shuichi _did_ have some sort of answer, though it wasn’t as clear as Kokichi would probably like. He’d really rather talk about this tomorrow, so he can think a little more and Kokichi could get some rest. 

“I might have an idea,but-” Shuichi started. 

“Stop edging me, Shuichi. Tell me if you like me or not” Kokichi interrupted again, suddenly bold for someone who was in pain. He hadn’t actually spoken those words yet, it was like they were both dancing around it. But there it was, out in the open. Shuichi could either refuse to answer or give the best answer he had. 

...There wasn’t a point to waiting, was there? Delaying it any longer would just get Kokichi more stressed. And maybe, if Shuichi confessed, even if it was just some weak confession, the Hanahaki would start to go away. 

But what if it doesn’t work? What if he disappoints him? What if the disease doesn’t go away? 

...Well, he couldn’t just not say anything! Kokichi had a right to know. 

Shuichi just wished he could give a better confession. Maybe tomorrow he would. Like he planned to. But for now, this would have to do. 

“I...think I do” Shuichi admitted, avoiding all the eye contact he could. He wanted to see Kokichi’s face when he said it, but he couldn’t bring himself to. 

Would Kokichi even believe him? Would it help the Hanahaki disease go away? What happens now? 

They stayed in silence, the confession hanging in the air. 

Kokichi didn’t speak and Shuichi still wouldn’t look at him. His eyes were firmly planted on the ground below him. 

Did he really just do that? Admit his feelings? 

“...Well, I still feel like choking, so you have to be lying” Kokichi accused. But his voice was quiet, much different than it had been. Like the confession had startled him. Shuichi looked up at him and sure enough, he wore a blank face. Not any of his other masks. 

“Ah, it doesn’t go away right away” Shuichi revealed. 

“Really?” Kokichi sighed, disappointment and frustration evident in his voice. Shuichi wished it would, and that the flowers would disappear immediately and Kokichi would be all better and not in pain anymore. But even if his confession worked, that wasn’t the case. 

“Yeah, it takes some time, but you should start...feeling better soon" Shuichi added. 

He still worried that his confession really wasn’t going to work, but it was all he could do right now. 

“That is, if you’re not lying to me” Kokichi reminded. It made sense he didn't believe it. It's not like Shuichi gave a really believable confession. 

But...he wanted him to believe it. He wanted him to know that he was liked and appreciated and- 

When did Shuichi get so...infatuated with him? This could have happened from the very start, he supposed. If only he didn’t push all those feelings away. 

“I meant what I said. I mean, I guess I don’t really know if it’s good enough. But I meant it” Shuichi rambled, trying to, in some way, get his point across. 

Kokichi just stared at him. This was an interesting turn of events for him as well, not just for Shuichi. In less than an hour, he had passed out and coughed out flowers, been discovered, been helped (which he probably never expected to happen), and then found out his feelings were requited. There were probably a thousand things going through his head right now, though he didn't show any of them. 

He sighed,"Okaaay. I get it. We’ll find out for sure tomorrow, huh?” 

“Yeah..” Shuichi trailed off. 

Kokichi took his hand, “Well! If you really do like me, you won’t mind cuddling with me in your room then." 

The complete change in his tone startled Shuichi. His heart almost stopped, but also immediately went faster at the same time. Cuddling was something he only _thought_ of doing, and he never imagined it would happen outside of his mind. It made him a little nervous since he’s never done that with anyone before. Plus, wouldn’t cuddling make the Hanahaki worse? Since they'd be so close? Or would it make it better, since he already confessed? 

“I can’t believe I have to be the one to tell you this, but just stop thinking already” Kokichi broke him out of his thoughts. 

“Huh?” Shuichi reacted. Was it really that obvious? 

“You have your thinking face on and you have for like, the whole night” Kokichi explained. 

“Oh” Shuichi sighed. Kokichi must have noticed that while he was staring at him. 

“Just cuddle with me, Shuichi. I don’t want to think either” Kokichi quietly added. 

He was being uncharacteristically honest. But, this was an odd situation. And he was under the influence of sickness. Additionally, he seemed tired. Tired as in lack of sleep, but also tired as in...tired of pretending? That was the vibe Shuichi got. And he wasn’t about to ignore it. If Kokichi was willing to lower his guard around him, then he was going to make sure he felt safe enough doing it. 

And cuddling sounded nice, especially after everything they both had just went through. Kokichi was right, he should stop thinking about everything so intently for now. 

“Okay, yeah, I’ll...cuddle with you” Shuichi accepted. 

Kokichi almost looked surprised for a second, like he wasn’t expecting him to actually answer that way. But then he smiled. A smile that made Shuichi immediately smile in return. 

“C’mon then!” Kokichi started pulling Shuichi towards the stairs. They walked slowly, but his room was close, so they got there quickly... 

Shuichi opened the door, leading Kokichi inside. They both stood there for a moment, but then with their hands still connected, they walked over to the bed. 

Kokichi was first to lay down, covering himself with blankets, and closing his eyes immediately. He was tired, as Shuichi had already noted. And he did need rest after everything he had been through today. Shuichi was determined to help him with that, climbing into bed next to him. 

He told himself he would stop thinking as much so instead of his thoughts racing, his heart was. 

They were so...close. He wanted to reach out and touch him, but instead he just stared, admiring how he looked. 

How could he have ever thought he didn’t like him? 

“You’re staring. I can feel it” Kokichi mumbled, his eyes closed. 

“Sorry, I…” Shuichi trailed off, about to compliment him but unsure if that would be going too far. 

“You what?” Kokichi prompted. 

Shuichi should have known he’d call him out on it. And well, he liked him back, right? There wasn’t any reason to hide his feelings anymore. 

“...I think you’re, kind of,uh, cute” Shuichi admitted, covering his face with his hands to hide the blush Kokichi couldn’t even see with his eyes closed. 

“...Well, detective, I think you’re cute too” Kokichi reciprocated his compliment, his voice quiet. Shuichi moved his hand slightly to reveal that Kokichi was slightly blushing as well. 

The room was quiet, the only sound were their breaths and heartbeat. 

They agreed to cuddle but no one had made a move yet. Shuichi _wanted_ to but his anxieties got in the way. 

Luckily, Kokichi started the action, slowly wrapping his arms around Shuichi and pulling himself closer. 

“I’m going to sleep now” he whispered. 

Shuichi was sure he could feel how fast his heartbeat was going. They were so close now, and he couldn’t hide how comforting it was. It just felt so...safe. It was strange considering who he was with and where he was. But he didn’t care about that right now. He couldn’t bring himself to think about anything other than this moment. 

He started to wrap his arms around Kokichi as well, “Good...um, tell me if you start feeling bad again, okay?” 

“Okay..” Kokichi mumbled. 

Hopefully, he was okay for now. And he wouldn’t be woken up in the middle of the night by an urge to cough up flowers. 

It would probably start again tomorrow, he would start coughing up all the flowers left until they completely died off. 

Tomorrow...they would have to talk about this. Their feelings and things like that. 

But as of right now, that wasn’t the main focus. 

All Shuichi could truly focus on was the warmth he felt in his heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading!!! and thank you for all of the support you’ve given me so far !!! i really appreciate it :) you all are so cool and nice !!!!!


	3. kokichi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woah,,,, last chapter :)
> 
> warning for self hatred and anxiety attack :(

Kokichi woke up to see Shuichi in his arms. Shuichi was sleeping peacefully, not yet awake. 

This was...so weird. 

Not that it wasn’t good! It was. Well, kind of. 

But _wow._

_So many things_ had happened last night. And Kokichi predicted none of them. 

He _absolutely_ did not mean to pass out in front of the school. Being outside was a mistake, but he really thought he could handle it. And it was nearing the time his plan would have to be fully put into action, so he had things to do! But as he walked around, it started to get really bad, compared to the way it usually is. He’s always in some sort of pain, but this felt so much _worse._ He started coughing and with every cough came more flowers or petals. And he couldn’t breathe because it hurt. And everything just _hurt!!_ He tried making his way back to his room but that just made him feel dizzy. While he was walking, he passed out. He could feel it coming for a split second beforehand so he tried to hide all the flowers in his hand just in case someone found him. And then he just collapsed. 

The next thing he knew Shuichi was waking him up with a very concerned look on his face. 

Which was not what he thought would happen. Yeah, there was a chance someone would find him passed out. But it _was_ nighttime, that chance was low. And Shuichi? He's usually not out this late at night. 

Apparently, he was looking for him, because of the way he’s been ignored all this time. But before this, Kokichi really didn’t think that he cared. Sure, he had occasionally tried to find him during the day, but other than that, it didn't seem like a big deal. 

And that was working well for Kokichi! Shuichi wasn’t looking for him too much and Kokichi was avoiding him pretty well! The only time he had ever really spoken to Shuichi was...that one night. With the love key. 

_Yes,_ he used it! He couldn’t help it, he was curious! No, they didn’t _do_ anything, it would be weird to when Shuichi seemed so off put by the love key before. Still, it was wonderful and amazing and great and fun, but he did wake up immediately throwing up flowers because of it. 

It meant that staying near Shuichi in any way, even in weird dream form, made the Hanahaki _so_ much worse. 

The Hanahaki that he most definitely did _not_ want Shuichi to find out about. Hiding it was one of his main priorities. If anyone found out, his reputation as an evil supreme leader would be ruined. And with it, his plan. He couldn't afford to let any mistakes go through. So he ignored all of his symptoms, pretended nothing was wrong, avoided others, and did just about everything else he could to not let anyone find out. 

But it was no use. Kokichi made a huge mistake being out that night. And Shuichi found him passed out with flowers in his hand, of course he’d figure things out! 

To make matters even worse, he even figured out that he was the one causing it. He had taken a petal from Kokichi’s hand, to most likely match it with his hair. And his facial expression was mixed with both shock and concern. There was no doubt he knew what was going on. 

Kokichi tried to study him, just staring at him and trying to see how he felt, what he thought. He was definitely thinking, but Kokichi felt so out of it, it was harder than usual for him to decipher him. 

Shuichi didn’t say anything about Hanahaki. He just tried to help, leading him to the kitchen, getting him water. It was weird how worried he was. And even in Kokichi’s weak state, he could tell it wasn’t a lie. 

But then...why? Why was he doing this?! It didn’t make sense. Yeah, Shuichi seemed like he would be the type to help someone if they were in pain like this. But this was different. It was like he _cared._

Why did he care?! 

Kokichi's thoughts were so constant, that his head started to hurt. He was already feeling awful, so this wasn’t helping. 

But as much as he didn’t want to admit it, Shuichi’s actions did help. The water he had given him made him start to think clearer. And his tender gaze made him feel...almost...okay. 

It was strange. 

The fact that he had an undeniable crush on him made the effect even greater. 

It was so strange!! 

No matter how smart Kokichi was, no amount of planning could have prepared him for this. He just didn’t _expect_ it! 

And Shuichi _still_ wasn’t bringing up Hanahaki, he wasn’t asking about it or alluding to it. He was obviously thinking things through and it seemed like he was too nervous to bring it up. He probably didn’t want to make Kokichi feel worse. 

There was only one thing Kokichi was sure about at that point: Shuichi did not like him back. There was _no way_ he did. He definitely didn’t _act_ like he did! And Kokichi was a good judge of character so he should know, right? 

So obviously, he must be considering how to reject him. Maybe that's why he was being so nice. 

That's the only reason Kokichi brought up Hanahaki himself. He just wanted to get this rejection over with and continue on with his night like nothing happened. He didn’t think Shuichi was _actually_ thinking about the _other_ option. 

But how was he so unsure?! Shouldn’t you know if you like someone? Well, yeah, Kokichi only found out he liked someone because he got a life-threatening disease, but Shuichi was _normal._ He would know if he liked someone, right? So why all the confusion? 

Kokichi started to think that he was lying. Lying to make him feel better. And Kokichi didn't like liars. 

Still, Shuichi offered to help him. He wanted to watch over him during the night, to make sure he felt better. But Kokichi barely believed him. Now, he was going off of the assumption that Shuichi was _lying_ to him. And he wholeheartedly believed that. He thought he had Shuichi in a corner and everything and he was just about to reject him- 

And he _confessed._

He _confessed!_

Everything that happened tonight, Kokichi didn’t predict any of it. It was just too much. He was taken off guard. 

He couldn’t even keep his mask on anymore. 

So he just. Dropped it. There was no point in pretending at that point. It was no use. Shuichi had just confessed to him and it was late at night And Kokichi was tired, so why not? He could deal with the consequences later, right? 

He encouraged Shuichi to stop thinking as well. If he was going to be so vulnerable, he didn’t want to be alone on it. 

They cuddled all night, shifting positions when one of them woke up. Every time Kokichi woke up, he was struck with panic. He didn't know what to do with this newfound situation. But he fell back asleep anyways, vowing to save his thoughts for the morning. 

But now, it was morning and his thoughts weren't any clearer. Or less complicated. In fact, they were worse. 

Fuck. What was he going to do _now_?! 

He still had the Hanahaki disease, though it _was_ supposed to be going away soon. Shuichi seemed to think that his confession wasn't good enough, but with the effect it had on Kokichi, it _probably_ worked. 

And it didn’t seem like Shuichi would be leaving his side while he got better. He’d probably try to take care of him again. 

And yes, Kokichi would love to let himself be taken care of by the one who stole his heart. 

But oh my god, this was the worst timing ever. 

Kokichi’s going to ruin everything in a few days. He’s going to finish carrying out his huge plan and it’s going to break Shuichi’s heart. 

What does he do?! He needs to be a believable bad person, he can’t let himself be weak in front of Shuichi. He already did that enough last night. And he probably shouldn't have even done that. 

Today, he’d have to turn everything around. He just had to. 

He had one night where everything was "okay", but now it was time to leave that in the past. As long as he pushes that night away as much as possible, it should be fine. His plan would still work. It would hurt Shuichi, sure. But what else could Kokichi do? 

That was the only option, it was the _only_ thing he could do. 

If he didn't do that, too much would be at risk. His plan could fail if Shuichi didn't think he was a bad person. 

Well, if it counted for anything, Kokichi sure thought he was a bad person. 

Shuichi shifted next to him, breaking him from his thoughts. He looked so... cute, but Kokichi couldn’t think like that right now. 

Not even when he opened his eyes and stared back at him. 

“Hi” Shuichi whispered. 

“Hi” Kokichi whispered back, keeping his facial expression neutral as to not show any hints as to what he was feeling. 

Shuichi still picked up on it, “What’s wrong?” 

There was no way Kokichi was answering that truthfully, he couldn't. 

Gosh, there were so many things he couldn't do. 

“...Is it the Hanahaki again?” Shuichi guessed. 

“Yeah” Kokichi lied. It sounded a lot better than saying that he was distressed over how he was going to have to push Shuichi out of his life. 

And it wasn’t _entirely_ a lie, the Hanahaki _had_ been affecting him. It had since he woke up, but he had it under control for now. He definitely felt better than yesterday, so it seemed like Shuichi’s confession was working. 

Too bad he needed to ignore it. 

Shuichi became worried immediately, “Are you okay? Do you need anything?” 

It was almost sickening how nice he was being. He kept making it harder for Kokichi, without even knowing how or why. 

“I’m fine, jeez it’s annoying when you worry so much” Kokichi lied. Part of him liked that Shuichi worried so much. He hadn't received any sort of comfort in so long, of course that was his _natural_ reaction. But it wasn't the _correct_ reaction for this situation. 

“Oh” Shuichi reacted. 

The hurt in his face was evident, no matter if he was trying to hide it or not. Kokichi looked away, not wanting to see it anymore. 

It was for his own good. He was going to end the killing game and Shuichi would be happy. 

That’s what he repeated over and over in his head, anyway. It gave him the courage he needed to slowly push himself out of the cuddling position they were in. 

The comforting warmth was gone immediately. He just felt cold. 

Shuichi looked confused as to why he pulled away. But whatever he was thinking, he didn’t say it out loud. 

Now that they weren't so close, Kokichi needed to find some way to get out of here. There's a slight chance he'd cough up flowers soon, due to the current feeling he felt. If he did that while Shuichi was with him, he’d only get more worried. And that would make him stay. That was the opposite of what Kokichi wanted. 

But how to leave... 

“If you need any help, just, uh, don’t be afraid to tell me, okay?” Shuichi offered, getting out of bed. Kokichi wasn't even going to think about taking up that offer. 

But he shot a look at him, smiling a little. He couldn’t risk being too out of character or Shuichi would notice. 

He disappeared into the bathroom, leaving Kokichi alone with his thoughts. 

...He could just run away now. Wait no, that would be too suspicious. It would just send Shuichi after him again. Though, if his chest starts feeling worse, he should probably rely on this plan. He couldn't let Shuichi watch him cough up flowers again. 

As of right now, the pain wasn't intense, but he knew how quickly it could escalate. 

Instead, he could make up some sort of excuse as to why he needed to be alone in his own room. If he used Hanahaki as a reason, there's no way Shuichi would be able to say no, right? Not if he was this worried about him. Or he’d just insist on helping him more. And he probably wouldn't want to leave his side... So actually, that wouldn’t work. 

The most effective option he could think of was the worst. Push Shuichi away until he doesn’t want to be around him anymore. Lie and say he doesn’t want to be with him. Say he’s disgusted he fell for him or something like that. If the lies hurt him enough, he won’t be able to see through them. 

Kokichi _really_ didn’t want to hurt him like that but it was the only way. It would help his plan too. He knew that. He had to hurt Shuichi in order to help him. 

He rolled over on his side, not wanting to directly face Shuichi when he came out. 

Kokichi hated himself, he really did. He deserved this pain in his lungs and everything else he’s about to get. He deserved to be alone, without Shuichi and without anyone. 

But no matter how much his mind was focused on that, he couldn’t help thinking stupid things. Like...the cuddling last night that he _allowed._ He should have never let that happen, but he did. And he shouldn’t keep thinking about it but he is. He keeps remembering how it felt. How he would wake up in the middle of the night and just snuggle himself closer. 

It must be the warmth of the blankets doing this to him. So he ripped them off. 

Ugh. He felt like coughing again. It _hurt_ again. 

It was supposed to be better, why wasn’t it better?! 

_Was_ Shuichi just lying to him? Kokichi didn’t think that he was but that was last night. Things were different last night. 

If Shuichi’s confession really was valid, this must just be how Hanahaki works. It gets worse before it gets better, right? 

Ow. It gets _way_ worse before it gets better. With every breath, he feels more pain shoot through him. So he’s trying not to breathe but that isn’t working, it just makes his chest feel more constricted. 

He was so useless. This stupid disease caused by his stupid crush had been ruining everything. If he just didn't fall for him in the first place, this wouldn't have happened. _None of this_ would have happened. He messed up somewhere, he should have never talked to him in the first place. His guard wasn't up enough, it's his fault. 

All of this was his fault. Why couldn't he just stick to the plan? Why did he have to make so many mistakes? 

Ouch. An intense, annoying pain hit his lungs. He couldn't breathe. He'd have to rely on the first plan, to leave now while Shuichi can't see him. Run away now and lie later, rather than the other way around. That was a good plan, right? 

It better be because he was feeling worse every second. He shouldn’t have thought so much, that must have triggered it. Stupid Kokichi, he made another mistake. What's _wrong_ with him? 

Slowly, he pulled himself out of bed. His breaths were shallow, leaving him feeling weak almost just like the night before. But he won’t pass out. He _refused_ to. The door wasn’t far away, he could make it there without throwing up, of course he could. If he didn’t, it could potentially ruin everything, so he'd do everything in his power to not let that happen. 

Yet every step he took was slow and he didn’t get very far. His thoughts became more hurried, as the threat of coughing up flowers became more constant. It hurt, it hurt, it hurt. 

Still, he kept walking. He had to, he had to leave. He couldn’t do this in front of Shuichi. He couldn't make another mistake. 

Now his breaths were shallow for a different reason. A faint part of him was aware that he was starting to have some sort of anxiety attack. It happened sometimes, his mental health was terrible. 

But even though he was aware of it, it couldn’t stop him from freaking out. 

Along with the pain in his lungs, his thoughts kept hitting him like rocks. And he kept walking, trying to leave as quickly as possible, but he was starting to feel dizzy, he couldn't hide that. He didn't want to pass out, he couldn't. He couldn't He couldn't. He couldn't. He couldn't- 

It was no use, he fell. In front of the door. He was so close to making his exit. 

The coughs started then. They couldn’t be held back anymore. And he was crying too. He couldn't...stop. He _had_ to stop, but he just couldn't. 

Coincidentally, at the same time, Shuichi came out and saw him. Maybe he heard the noise, or maybe it really was just a coincidence. 

Either way, this was awful. 

Kokichi coughed more harshly, beginning to feel the petals rise up. He didn't bother to look up at Shuichi, instead he stared at the floor. His brain felt fuzzy but his thoughts kept screaming and now he was shaking. 

Shuichi wrapped his arms around him, softly. 

Kokichi stiffened. He had to get him away but before he could, he started coughing again. 

What the fuck. 

He kept coughing, kept hurting, his thoughts kept yelling. He was in pain everywhere. His mind, his body. 

Petals mixed with blood fell to the floor. Kokichi shut his eyes. He felt tears falling down. He had to stop. He had to stop. He couldn't do this, _shouldn't_ do this. 

Shuichi's arms tightened around him. 

"You're gonna be okay" Shuichi whispered. Kokichi didn't believe that for a second, but his soft voice made his heart flutter. 

No, stop it. He couldn't do that. He couldn't think like that. 

Flowers started to come up this throat, not just petals. It hurt, it hurt so much. 

His head hurt and he couldn't stop thinking or coughing. 

Eventually though, after minutes filled with pain, the coughs slowed to a stop. 

The thoughts didn’t. 

Over and over again. He made a mistake. He shouldn't have done this. How dare he. How dare he be in pain right now? With everything he has to do? With everything he has already done? 

“Are you feeling better?” Shuichi worried, his voice so soft and sweet it made Kokichi want to throw up again. 

He shouldn’t be here. Kokichi should be alone, that’s how it’s supposed to be. He can’t let him get close, he needs to leave. 

“I’m fine” Kokichi retorted, pulling himself out of his embrace. He didn’t dare look at Shuichi’s reaction. As quick as he could, he stood up. He still felt very off, but he didn't care. The sooner he got out of here, the better. If he leaves, that’ll fix it. That’ll fix this mistake of letting Shuichi be so close to him. 

“Let me help you” Shuichi offered, standing up and moving closer to him. 

Kokichi avoided his touch like it was poison. It felt like poison. 

“What’s wrong? Please tell me” Shuichi urged, reaching out to touch him again. 

“Don’t touch me” Kokichi tried to sound stern but his voice broke. What was wrong with him? Why was he acting like this? 

He bolted to the door, stepping around the flowers. They looked dead but Kokichi was too out of it to ponder what that meant. 

“Kokichi, don’t leave” Shuichi grabbed his arm. 

He pulled away. No. He couldn't listen to him. He couldn’t. He couldn't. 

...But then why didn’t he move? The door was right there. Why isn’t he moving? Why is he frozen? Why can't he move? 

Why is he doing this? Why can’t he lie? Why can’t he pretend right now? 

“You’re crying” Shuichi pointed out. 

Was he? _Still?_ Why was he doing that? Why couldn't he stop? Why are his stupid emotions getting to him? 

“Kichi, I’m _here_ ” Shuichi slowly pulled him closer. Oh God. Did he seriously have to use that nickname now? 

And bring him this close? In a...hug?? The touch felt scary, he didn’t want him close. He wanted him away from him. But he was frozen, he couldn't leave. Did he want to leave? Did he really? No, it didn’t matter what he really wanted. He couldn’t allow this. Why was he allowing this? Why was he- 

“You’ll be okay, just, uh, focus on me, okay?” Shuichi comforted, slowly moving his hands up and down Kokichi’s back. 

Focus..on him? No, no Kokichi couldn’t do that. He couldn’t. Every part of his thoughts kept telling him to reject this. Reject these touches, this...comfort. He couldn’t focus on it because he shouldn’t. He shouldn't. He couldn't. 

Some part of his mind knew it would make him feel better, to focus on this comfort he was given. but he didn’t listen to that part of his mind. The other parts were much stronger. 

He just kept crying and shaking and making a complete fool out of himself as he stayed in Shuichi’s arms. 

Minutes kept going by and Shuichi kept his comforting position. He kept whispering comforting words as Kokichi tried to drown them out, convinced he didn’t deserve to hear them. 

...It was too much. His head hurt. 

He didn't want this anymore. He didn't want to feel like this anymore. He didn't want to be weak. 

...As much as his thoughts hated it, he started focusing on Shuichi. 

Shuichi's arms around him were soft, yet tight. His words were always in whispers and though they were all cliche, Kokichi started to listen to them. He didn't believe any of them and he didn't want to. But he had to ground himself somehow. He could hear his heartbeat too, so he tried to focus on that. 

Slowly, his tears stopped as he began to feel numb, like he usually did after an anxiety attack. And though the thoughts he had weren’t entirely gone, they were silenced enough for him to no longer push away Shuichi’s words or his touch. What he really wanted to do was fall into it, so, going against his thoughts, that's what he did. 

Shuichi seemed a little surprised by Kokichi’s arms finally wrapping around him, but he didn’t seem opposed to it. 

“Are you...feeling better?” Shuichi questioned, his voice soft. 

Kokichi's heart fluttered at the soft voice, and he ignored the thoughts telling him to stop it. They hurt too much. Shuichi cared and he couldn't stop that, no matter what he did. 

Allowing this couldn't mess up his plan too much, right? He had planned it out so carefully, one or two....or more, mistakes couldn't hurt that. It was just his thoughts talking, right? 

Or maybe that's all wishful thinking. Maybe he really shouldn't be- 

No, if anything, doing this would prevent another breakdown, and that would be good. 

“A little” he revealed. He wasn't all better yet, and he probably never would be. But he wasn’t about to confess all of that. He had to have _some_ restrictions. 

“It wasn’t just the Hanahaki, was it?” Shuichi guessed. It wasn’t surprising he thought that, it’s not like Kokichi was being subtle with all the crying he did. 

“...yeah” Kokichi admitted. There was no way he could lie about something so obvious. Shuichi would see right through that. 

He knows he _should_ lie, he _should_ just break out of his arms and leave. But he was so tired... 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Shuichi questioned, beginning to slowly rub circles on his back. 

Kokichi shook his head, he _definitely_ didn’t want to. 

“Ok..you don’t have to if you don’t want to, but, um, I’ll listen to you” Shuichi offered again. 

Kokichi sighed. Shuichi was being too nice to him. Way too nice. 

“I don’t want to” Kokichi rejected his offer. He was disappointing Shuichi, probably, but he couldn't admit everything he felt. Not now, not ever. 

“Okay,” Shuichi whispered. 

He kept holding Kokichi close. Actually, it seemed that he was holding him even closer now. 

Kokichi wasn’t used to this, but he was accepting the strange feeling. It made him feel better, and though that wasn’t something he didn’t feel he deserved, it was something he couldn’t deny. 

The anxiety attack and Hanahaki combination left him exhausted and the soft touches Shuichi kept giving only added to that. And Shuichi was comfortable and warm. It felt nice...to be close like that. So nice that, despite all his previous panicking, he was almost lulled to sleep. 

Yes, he almost fell asleep standing up, he was going through a lot, okay? 

Shuichi noticed this and slowly pulled away from him, “You need to rest more.” 

Their eyes were locked together, Kokichi being either unable or unwilling to look away. He knew Shuichi didn’t like eye contact so this moment they shared was a little odd. But Kokichi wasn’t complaining, he liked Shuichi’s eyes, they were pretty. 

And no amount of his negative thoughts could change that. 

"Do you want to go back to sleep?" Shuichi suggested. 

No, Kokichi didn't. He knew rest was probably necessary, but he didn’t want it. He would feel too useless if he rested now. And all of his thoughts would attack him again, it wouldn't be good. 

Noticing the lack of response Kokichi gave, Shuichi continued, quietly, "...I'll lay with you" 

...Tempting. He liked that offer, he wanted to just lay there and rest with him, but no. Kokichi couldn't say yes to that without overthinking. He knew he shouldn't do it. 

“What about the flowers?” Kokichi inquired, hoping to distract him. There were all those flowers and blood scattered on the floor near them that they were trying hard to ignore. Kokichi didn't want to see them, he didn't want a reminder of how weak he was acting. 

“I’ll clean them up” Shuichi decided. 

Kokichi didn’t move. 

Shuichi tried again, “‘Kichi, please? It'll make you feel better” 

Oh no it was the nickname again. How could Kokichi refuse that? 

He could, very easily. 

But looking into Shuichi's eyes... 

Whatever. He'll go rest. It couldn't hurt that much, right? 

He pushed away the thoughts that said the opposite. 

“Fine” he sighed, walking over to the bed. He laid down, covering himself with the blankets. It felt warm and soft. He didn't deserve to feel like that, he knew it. 

Still not feeling like getting any rest, he watched as Shuichi started to clean up the mess he made. 

Some of the flowers were whole, but only few. Most of them looked like just ripped up parts of flowers. And the other ones were just petals. However, all of them had something in common. Besides the blood that spotted them, they also all were a darker blue than usual. And they seemed almost...wilted in a way. 

“Hey...these flowers look like they’re dying” Shuichi noticed. 

Kokichi did notice this earlier, but he was, y'know, panicking. But now that he thought about it, did that mean something? If the flowers were dying… 

“Sooo it worked?” Kokichi guessed. The flowers were only there because of unrequited love, but the confession must have made them die off. 

Shuichi smiled at him in confirmation of his theory, “I think so…” 

It was obvious that he seemed relieved that Kokichi was getting better. He must be happy his confession worked. 

His smile made Kokichi smile slightly. 

So it was certain. Shuichi liked him back. 

...How? Why did he...? What did Kokichi ever do to deserve this? 

Anyway, it was a good thing and a bad thing. Bad because Kokichi was going to hurt him and there was nothing he can do to stop it. But good because...for now that isn’t what's happening. For now, they’re together. 

And yeah, it’s going to disappear soon. But not right now. It was selfish to want to hold on to this, he knew that. He knew he shouldn't be here, that this was probably some huge mistake. 

But listen, he didn't want to hurt anymore. And he was probably going to die soon, why can't he just have this one last wish? 

There were a lot of reasons why he shouldn't have that last wish. He simply didn't deserve it and he was only tainting Shuichi with his presence. 

But it made Kokichi feel better knowing Shuichi wanted it too. Though he didn’t understand the consequences… 

Kokichi watched as Shuichi cleaned up the flowers, his eyes closing sometimes due to his exhaustion. He felt a bit guilty that he made a mess out of his floor. 

Still, Shuichi didn't seem to mind cleaning up. Sometimes he'd glance over at Kokichi, just trying to make sure he was okay. 

Kokichi avoided his gaze when he did that. 

Eventually, Shuichi finished cleaning up the flowers. And with that, he slowly climbed into bed next to Kokichi. 

They didn't touch. Not yet. They just stared. 

Kokichi didn't know what to think, so he just stopped thinking. Though he could tell that was the exact opposite for Shuichi. 

"Do you like this? Being together... like this?" Shuichi wondered. 

The short answer was yes, Kokichi did. The long answer was something Shuichi probably couldn’t handle. 

So he settled on nodding his head, not offering up any more information. 

“Do you...want to keep doing this?” Shuichi avoided looking at him.It was very likely that he was nervous asking these things. 

Again, the short answer was yes. The long answer was worse. 

“Mm-hmm” Kokichi answered. 

“M-me too” Shuichi agreed. 

As much as Kokichi liked hearing him say that, it sent a pain through his chest, and not because of Hanahaki. 

This might be the last time they're together like this. And if not the last time, definitely one of the last times. 

It hurt, knowing that this would be taken from them. No, he didn't care about himself. He just didn’t want to break Shuichi’s heart. He _really_ didn’t want to. 

"...I know it's...complicated, because of uh, well, you know. But I...I would like to get closer to you, if that's okay" Shuichi explained the thoughts he was so clearly pondering. 

That hurt even more. 

Kokichi didn't even know if he'd accept that offer outside of this situation. Being close to people wasn't something he was always okay with. But especially now... 

There was no way he could get close to him. Absolutely no way. Even being like this was risky. 

But Shuichi obviously wanted to. Kokichi could either lie or tell the truth. The lie would make him feel better, whereas the truth would hurt. 

...Contrary to his personality, he didn't want to lie right now. Wow, shocker, right? It's just that... Shuichi wanted the truth, and right now, that was probably the best thing Kokichi could give to him. Even if it wasn't as truthful as Kokichi could be. 

"You can try" he answered. It wasn't a lie, but it did imply some sort of hope that he knew Shuichi was looking for. Though, that hope would be destroyed. 

Kokichi looked at him, noticing Shuichi's soft expression. He had a slight smile on his face. 

"I will" Shuichi promised, nervously reaching out to touch Kokichi's hand. 

Kokichi let the touch happen. He wanted to hold his hand, he really wanted to. But he didn't. 

Luckily, Shuichi did it anyway. 

"I'm, uh, here for you, y'know?" he comforted, lightly squeezing Kokichi's hand. 

If only the circumstances were different. Maybe that would be true. Maybe this would work out. 

But it won't. Shuichi would never want to be here for him again. Or even near him. 

This was really going to hurt Shuichi. Right now, his face was so hopeful and soft. Kokichi didn't want to make that beautiful face cry but he was going to. He had to. 

Actually... maybe he could soften the blow a little. 

“Shuichi...if I hurt you, just know I didn’t mean it, alright?” Kokichi whispered. 

He knew that after what he’s going to do, Shuichi would never believe him. And he didn’t really want him to. 

And he knew that right now, this would probably worry Shuichi. But he'd lie his way out of it. 

It just made him feel better knowing that, maybe one day Shuichi will look back on this and realize he really didn’t want to hurt him. And hopefully, it would make him Shuichi feel better too. 

“What?” Shuichi puzzled, his expression shifting to worry. Yeah, Kokichi expected that. 

“It’s just a precaution,jeez. Don't get all worried" Kokichi smiled, shooting down all his worries. It was a lie, but a necessary one. 

“O-oh” Shuichi reacted. 

He didn’t sound fully convinced but it didn’t seem like he was willing to press forward. Good. Kokichi didn’t want him to know and he didn’t want to think about it anymore. 

"C'mon, let's just cuddle" he changed the subject, not dwelling on it any longer. And that's why they were laying together right? To cuddle? 

Shuichi smiled again. Kokichi was right. 

Slowly, they resumed their positions from the morning. 

It was comfortable and warm, despite all of the things running through Kokichi's head that said otherwise. 

“...I know you don’t want to sleep, but you really should” Shuichi insisted. 

“Fine” Kokichi sighed. He was tired anyway. 

He didn’t know what was going to happen when he woke up. Maybe the same thing that happened the last time he woke up. 

But he did know one thing. He was going to stay here in Shuichi’s arms as long as he could. 

And luckily, he knew Shuichi felt the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading this !!! 🥰🥰 have a great day:)


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